This question came in via the Facebook page & while I don't respond individually to questions that come in via social media, because there are simply too many of them, sometimes I'll respond with a blog post if I feel that more people might be interested in the question & my response. I always ask the person if it's OK to write a blog post, naturally with no identifying information, & if they say ''yes'' then I will in that circumstance.
Question: Several months ago I listened to BBC radio Women's Hour, an expert in domestic violence and abuse against women and children was talking about how if someone has sex with someone who's asleep then it's always rape. Afterwards I was left feeling like someone shouldn't even initiate sex while their partner's asleep, that it's unacceptable and is always a sexual assault.
My boyfriend wakes me up for sex at least a few times a month and I probably wake him up for sex maybe once a month, sometimes less, sometimes more. We've talked about it and I've told him clearly that I absolutely love being woken up by him in this way and he's said the same. I love being woken up by his hands on my body, his kisses on my back or neck, his penis nudging it's way between my thighs and he says he loves when he wakes up to my hands or mouth on his penis. We've talked about it, we both are comfortable with it, want it and like it.
There are some exceptions for me and he knows what they are, he's said he has no exceptions lol. I'm not into it if I haven't had enough sleep, so he has to judge that and sometimes he gets it wrong but I'll say ''no'' quickly or brush him off if he has misjudged it & he'll, of course, stop immediately. I also don't like it when I'm on my period, he also knows that and knows when I'm due or bleeding as I tell him. We talk openly about all of these issues.
To be honest, after watching the conversations on Twitter after the show, I don't feel I can raise this with anyone I know. Anyone who didn't seem to agree completely or even anyone who asked a question was piled on and sometimes even accused of being a rape apologist. There was no room for discussion!
Is there something wrong with me for liking this? Is there something wrong with my boyfriend? We've been together for 3 years and are both really happy together, we've talked about getting married and having kids but if he's into rape or I'm enjoying being abused then I have to question whether our relationship is healthy or not, maybe I need therapy, maybe he does, maybe we need couples counselling? I'm sad, upset and confused, can you shine some light on this for me?
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Response: Firstly, thank you for the question & for the trust implicit in asking it.
Secondly, I hear you & you're not alone, I've been contacted privately by several people, both male & female, about the same radio programme & some of the issues it raised & so I take that as meaning that it impacted a lot of people, & mostly not in a positive way.
All the private communications I received were people concerned about what it meant for them, asking if previous behaviour was indicative of a problem either in them or with their partner/s, including asking ''have I been assaulted even if I don't feel like I have?'' as well as ''have I assaulted previous girlfriends?''. It hit a lot of nerves & seems to have left a lot of people confused, so, I'm glad of the opportunity to speak directly about the issues raised in your message not the radio programme itself.
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When it comes to consent, and this may be controversial for some people, the nature & duration of the relationship, the context, matters somewhat. There is a difference between what happens between two people on a one night stand or in the early weeks & months of a new relationship vs a couple who've been happy with their sex life together for years.
Importantly, however, saying ''yes'' or ''no'' to a direct question or physical action is giving/not giving consent, that's always appropriate & to be respected, regardless of the nature of the relationship or its duration.
Saying ''stop'' or ''I don't want to'' etc is also, always, regardless of the nature of the relationship or it's duration, to be listened to & respected immediately.
Non verbal communication can be trickier, for a few reasons. Sometimes, & this is especially true for survivors of previous sexual trauma, verbally saying ''no'' or similar words, can feel somewhere between difficult & challenging to impossible while many women report that saying ''no'' to a man once a sexual encounter has begun, especially a man she doesn't have an ongoing relationship with or know well, can often not end well - he may become agitated, angry, accuse her of ''leading him on'' etc which is more likely to make some women comply in that situation & regret it later - but it is often a question here, unfortunately, of assessing risk. This is one of the main reasons that therapy can be really helpful for sexual trauma survivors as can slowing down new sexual connections - if a new partner isn't willing to respect your need to 'go slow' are they a good fit for you? I'd argue not.
Many who've experienced any sexual contact that was not welcome or consensual - which could be as much as 80% of women & 40% of men in the USA for example - freeze in sexual situations & are incapable of much or any verbal communication in the moment & so this needs to be borne in mind & watched for too - some skill, self awareness & sensitivity is required for this, though, & in my experience most people don't know about these responses, don't know how to spot them or what to do if they happen. They usually, though not always, result from experiences of sexual assault & abuse but can also result from unwanted or coerced sexual experiences that may not feel like assault or abuse, or indeed may be free of physical violence, as we usually imagine it.
You can read more about the flight, fight, freeze & fawn trauma responses here.
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When things, perhaps, become a little more tricky is when two people know each other intimately & sexually on a longer term basis, when there's established trust, when there have been many conversations about sex, sensuality, bodily autonomy, likes & dislikes, turn ons & turn offs, hard noes, the sharing of fantasies & curiosities etc &, perhaps, when there is 'flow' between the couple & less need for express communication. These sorts of conversations don't happen on a one night stand, for example. These conversations take time, trust & vulnerability - they take relating. In my experience of working with couples for over a decade & individuals for over 3 decades in the realms of sex & sexuality, sex is one of the main topics the majority of people feel uncomfortable talking openly about in a detailed way. This, of course, hinders possibilities for pleasure but also clarity in relation to personal sexual boundaries.
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The law is relevant too here, of course. For example, the legal definition of 'rape', at time of writing, differs in the UK vs Ireland with Ireland having two definitions of rape in law & the UK only having one. It is important to be aware of the law in your own jurisdiction, both in terms of what constitutes rape & sexual assault as well as the law, if there is legislation, regarding sexual consent - again, these all differ between the UK, Ireland, other European countries as well as countries around the world, so please do check out the law as it relates to where you live.
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Equally, your 'normal' won't necessarily be someone else's 'normal' & other people have no right to expect you to behave or not behave in a certain way if it doesn't effect them in any way. What's key here is how aware you are of what you want, what you desire, what's OK for you & not OK for you, and, crucially, that you have the capacity to be able to ask for that as well as assert that in your intimate relationships.
Negotiating an ongoing sustainable mutually satisfying sex life with a partner, if you want to do it in a conscious & clear way, in other words you don't just want to drift along with whatever's happening, you want to intentionally & deliberately have a fulfilling sexual life in your relationship, takes work & effort, it doesn't 'just happen', & it's isn't a skill we're usually taught, unless we seek it out.
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RED FLAG TIP - if a new lover or sexual connection says they don't like to talk about sex, they prefer to just 'do it', consider if this encounter or situation is really going to offer you a mutually satisfying experience. I would lean towards saying that it's highly unlikely it will! If someone's unwilling to talk about the sex they're about to have with you how are they going to know what you like, don't like, want & don't want, how are they going to communicate those same things to you about themselves? They're not. It's ripe for miscommunication & a sexually unsatisfying experience.
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Knowing what you want & don't want first & then being able to clearly communicate that to a partner, a partner who's able to do the same with you, is the foundation to a fulfilling sex life. Of equal importance, is knowing & respecting each other's boundaries as well as how to repair any ruptures in the relationship, for example, being able to repair after an argument or misunderstanding, being able to repair the damage done after a breach of trust (presuming it's not a non-negotiable breach of trust) etc. These are all relationship skills that the vast majority of people don't have or struggle with but the good news is that there is an abundance of material available to support people to have more fulfilling relationships, better communication & richer sex lives. You'll find links to lots of resources here, on the Free Resources page of this website & I really want to encourage you to check it out.
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So, coming back to the question you initially asked. What strikes me most here is that you've given the answer to yourself in your question. You said, ''we've talked about it'' & you repeated that in several ways several times. It seems clear to me that, especially after 3 years, you know each other well enough to know what you like & don't like, want & don't want, where your boundaries are & that they're respected. More importantly, you seem to have an open channel of communication in the relationship where sex, desire, biology & emotion are spoken about & THAT is what's key. Trust your own intuition here, it sounds to me like it's not leading you astray & keep those channels of open, honest & direct communication open!
Written 23/07/23
