There are both many potential perils & many possible rewards from online dating. In recent years more and more people have met a partner online - in some countries it's as many as one in four couples &, of course, in some other countries it's zero as online dating isn't used or available in that culture. As the lives of many people, particularly people wanting to date & be in relationships, have grown busier, and as our cultures & societies & societal norms have shifted, meeting people we might be attracted to & interested in having some form of relationship with has become more difficult.
Online dating, while time consuming & full of potential pitfalls, does meet a need here. Indeed, a not insignificant number of people have met a partner, or more than one, via a dating app though this does vary significantly by age, sexual orientation & location. However, this isn't the case for all countries & cultures, for example, I lived in southern Egypt for 6 months & have worked extensively in north eastern Africa & the 'Middle East' in the last number of years & online dating is either non-existent or only used in urban areas among some demographics in that part of the world.
There are many things to consider when online dating with one of the most common themes I come across, I hear it from both women & men of all sexual orientations, is that, particularly in the early days after matching with someone, it's hard to know if they really are who they say they are.
Why do people pretend to be someone else online?
There are many things to consider when online dating with one of the most common themes I come across, I hear it from both women & men of all sexual orientations, is that, particularly in the early days after matching with someone, it's hard to know if they really are who they say they are.
Why do people pretend to be someone else online?
For many who are genuinely seeking relationship, connection or some casual sex it might seem strange that someone would lie about who they are online but people do it for many reasons.
The most common reason people lie on dating apps is because they are already in a relationship where there is a monogamous agreement - in essence, they are seeking to cheat on their partner. Rarely will someone be honest about that because they know it will likely limit their options & likely limit the number of people who will want to connect with them. Some studies show that between 18% & 25% of dating app users are already married, this doesn't take into account those who are in a monogamous relationship but not married or, indeed, those who are practicing consensual non-monogamy, so the 18-25% statistic is likely conservative.
Equally, plenty of scammers, hoping to extract money from others, also use dating apps.
The most common reason people lie on dating apps is because they are already in a relationship where there is a monogamous agreement - in essence, they are seeking to cheat on their partner. Rarely will someone be honest about that because they know it will likely limit their options & likely limit the number of people who will want to connect with them. Some studies show that between 18% & 25% of dating app users are already married, this doesn't take into account those who are in a monogamous relationship but not married or, indeed, those who are practicing consensual non-monogamy, so the 18-25% statistic is likely conservative.
Equally, plenty of scammers, hoping to extract money from others, also use dating apps.
If you're online dating have you ever been asked for a photo other than what's in your profile? It's common and also something to be wary of. Bear in mind that every photo, once sent, is no longer one you can control the viewership for. It's a common scam - the scammer gets the other person to send intimate or semi nude photos of themselves & then they blackmail them to prevent the person sharing the photo online. They will usually send one or more photos that are, allegedly, of themselves first but it is highly unlikely to be the person messaging! Of course, this type of blackmail will never end as long as someone engages in it in the first place.
My recommendation? Never send pictures of yourself, on any online platform, that you wouldn't be happy with employers, friends, family etc seeing - regardless of how well you know the other person there are always hackers & other unknowns to consider.
Equally, there are other ways scammers will attempt to extract money, for example:
- they'll build up a story about travelling, there'll be a mugging or robbery followed by ''can you send a small amount to help out until the bank can sort it out?''
- can you lend money to help them travel to see you? they like you SO much & simply can't wait until they get paid at the end of the month & they'll give it back to you as soon as they're paid/arrive to meet you - of course contact is cut & you never hear from them again or perhaps even more money is requested. People have been scammed on dating apps for 10s of 1000s of Euro/dollars etc.
My recommendation? Never send money to someone you've never met in-person, regardless of how sad the story seems or how plausible it seems. Never, not one penny!
There are other reasons, but I just want to touch on one more here - some people pretend to be someone other than who they really are simply for the fun of it. It's sad but true that many people enjoy the interaction with a stranger, the flirtation & the chatting but they're not interested in any more than that and, fundamentally, they're not actually interested in you at all, they're simply interested in what the interactions 'give' them. Of course, for some people this may be reasonably benign but for others there is a sadistic thrill from ensnaring someone in their web of lies.
Equally, there are other ways scammers will attempt to extract money, for example:
- they'll build up a story about travelling, there'll be a mugging or robbery followed by ''can you send a small amount to help out until the bank can sort it out?''
- can you lend money to help them travel to see you? they like you SO much & simply can't wait until they get paid at the end of the month & they'll give it back to you as soon as they're paid/arrive to meet you - of course contact is cut & you never hear from them again or perhaps even more money is requested. People have been scammed on dating apps for 10s of 1000s of Euro/dollars etc.
My recommendation? Never send money to someone you've never met in-person, regardless of how sad the story seems or how plausible it seems. Never, not one penny!
There are other reasons, but I just want to touch on one more here - some people pretend to be someone other than who they really are simply for the fun of it. It's sad but true that many people enjoy the interaction with a stranger, the flirtation & the chatting but they're not interested in any more than that and, fundamentally, they're not actually interested in you at all, they're simply interested in what the interactions 'give' them. Of course, for some people this may be reasonably benign but for others there is a sadistic thrill from ensnaring someone in their web of lies.
So, that said, here's a brief look into what to pay attention to when it comes to connecting with people you don't know online & what may, only may, indicate that someone is not who they say they are.
Firstly, & most importantly, keep your feet firmly planted on the ground.
If this is someone you don't know, take how they present themselves with healthy skepticism. This can be tough, though, especially if you're feeling lonely, if you haven't had a sexual partner in a while or if you really want to be in a long term relationship that turns into a family & you feel like time's running out for you, for example. It can be easy to err on the side of hope & expectation than realism, it can be tempting to take words at their face value rather than waiting to see what actions result from those words. Follow your heart, by all means, but take your head with you at all times! It can also be useful to share details of the person & your conversations with a trusted friend if you're feeling unsure or not quite trusting of your own judgement.
Secondly, pay attention, pay really close attention!
Often people who are not who they say they are will harvest photos of others for their profiles;
Often people who are not who they say they are will harvest photos of others for their profiles;
- do the photos look like they might be professional? Most people on dating apps don't use professional photos, do they look a little too good? You can try a reverse image search to see if the person's photos show up anywhere else online & ask for a second name to see if they're on social media - the vast majority of people in 'western' countries have some online trail even if it's not social media. A reluctance to give you a second name after any more than couple of days of chatting should be a 'red flag'.
Does everything they're saying add up & is it consistent?
Someone who is not who they say they are will, likely though not definitely, have fabricated a personal life story & they'll be feeding this to the people they're connected with. Often, though, particularly if a scammer, they'll not pay attention to what YOU know because they're more focused on their behaviour & words. For example, I heard a story recently of a woman who'd connected with a guy on Feeld, he didn't know that she was really well travelled & knew her way around the major airports in many countries as well as where it was & wasn't possible to fly direct to from those airports. He told her something she knew to be untrue but because he didn't know this about her he assumed she wouldn't know. The game was up! She asked for a first video call that evening & a couple of hours later she'd been unmatched & blocked on WhatsApp.
Does everything they're saying add up & is it consistent?
Someone who is not who they say they are will, likely though not definitely, have fabricated a personal life story & they'll be feeding this to the people they're connected with. Often, though, particularly if a scammer, they'll not pay attention to what YOU know because they're more focused on their behaviour & words. For example, I heard a story recently of a woman who'd connected with a guy on Feeld, he didn't know that she was really well travelled & knew her way around the major airports in many countries as well as where it was & wasn't possible to fly direct to from those airports. He told her something she knew to be untrue but because he didn't know this about her he assumed she wouldn't know. The game was up! She asked for a first video call that evening & a couple of hours later she'd been unmatched & blocked on WhatsApp.
Thirdly, are things moving too fast?
Often, when people aren't who they say they are, particularly if there's a scam coming, they'll move the 'relationship' forward much more quickly than is appropriate. They'll say they're thinking of you all the time, that they really really like you, maybe they offer to buy you presents or talk about your future together when you've only been texting for a day or two! Inappropriate & a definite 'red flag'.
Often, when people aren't who they say they are, particularly if there's a scam coming, they'll move the 'relationship' forward much more quickly than is appropriate. They'll say they're thinking of you all the time, that they really really like you, maybe they offer to buy you presents or talk about your future together when you've only been texting for a day or two! Inappropriate & a definite 'red flag'.
Finally, are they putting off a voice or video call?
When we meet someone we like it's natural & normal to want to get to know that person but there is a speed that is comfortable for both people. If someone you've connected with seems happy to text for hours, for days on end, without any mention of a voice or video call this should be a slight warning sign. Ask about it, ask if that's something they are interested in & if your suspicious have been raised already ask for a video call. Anyone who puts such a call off more than a few days is someone to suspect may not be who they say they are.
As previously said, online dating can be fun, it can be a great way to meet both casual & long term partners - depending very much on the particular app you use - but it can also be a mechanism for those who would take advantage of others to do so, it can be a mechanism for abuse & extortion. Let your heart lead you, but always, always, listen to your head!
Written 27/02/23
When we meet someone we like it's natural & normal to want to get to know that person but there is a speed that is comfortable for both people. If someone you've connected with seems happy to text for hours, for days on end, without any mention of a voice or video call this should be a slight warning sign. Ask about it, ask if that's something they are interested in & if your suspicious have been raised already ask for a video call. Anyone who puts such a call off more than a few days is someone to suspect may not be who they say they are.
As previously said, online dating can be fun, it can be a great way to meet both casual & long term partners - depending very much on the particular app you use - but it can also be a mechanism for those who would take advantage of others to do so, it can be a mechanism for abuse & extortion. Let your heart lead you, but always, always, listen to your head!
Written 27/02/23
