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Let's face it, the vast majority of us are not taught, nor do we think we need to learn!, how to have mutually satisfying relationships. For some reason, many of us seem to think that good quality sustainable & mutually satisfying relationships should come 'naturally', but they very often don't.
For most of us, we fumble along doing the best we can with the internal & external resources we feel are available to us. However, if we were all doing well in our relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, I, & all relationship therapists like me around the world, would be out of a job! Relationships are one of the most commonly searched topics on the internet, people are interested in & want to have mutually satisfying relationships but many of us struggle with them for a wide variety of reasons.
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One of the main reasons many of us struggle with adult intimate relationships is that we unconsciously receive our first template & pattern for intimate relationship from what we saw & didn't see around us as we grew up. If our parents, presuming they were together, had a calm, peaceful, perhaps emotionally close but non-erotic, relationship that may be a pattern we then adopt or work overly hard to avoid in our own intimate relationships later in life.
Equally, of course, if we didn't witness any relationship between our parents that is, also, a template that might make our own adult relationships difficult.
If our parents had a tumultuous relationship, one where there was lots of arguing or disagreement, perhaps affairs & separation, that is, again, something that will shape what our unconscious mind believes to be ''normal'' in our own adult intimate relationships.
Of course, if we witnessed a loving, respectful, sexually appropriate relationship between our parents, that's a template too, a really good one! - it's just that, in my experience of 35 years in the field of human relationships, that's the exception rather than the rule!
It is only when we become consciously aware of the influence of our family (or families) of origin, as well as the cultural & societal norms in which we grew up, together with the influence our own individual experiences, have all had on us that we can, if we choose, rewrite those scripts. That said, rewriting those scripts takes work, honest self inquiry & compassionate self reflection, as well as the ability to make mistakes &, much more importantly, to learn from those 'mistakes' which requires vulnerability & humility.
It is only when we become consciously aware of the influence of our family (or families) of origin, as well as the cultural & societal norms in which we grew up, together with the influence our own individual experiences, have all had on us that we can, if we choose, rewrite those scripts. That said, rewriting those scripts takes work, honest self inquiry & compassionate self reflection, as well as the ability to make mistakes &, much more importantly, to learn from those 'mistakes' which requires vulnerability & humility.
My point here is that we learn about boundaries in relationships, we learn what's OK & what's not OK as well as what we 'should' expect & feel we deserve, from the time we are tiny babies, including while we're in the womb listening to what's happening around us, absorbing our mother's emotional & hormonal chemical state, as our very first relationship template.
We also learn about what's acceptable in the eyes of others & what isn't, We learn from other people's reactions to us setting our own boundaries whether it's 'safe' for us to set boundaries or not. Healthy boundaries are not designed to hurt or rejecct others, they are designed to protect ourselves from something we simply do not want to feel or experience, & the reason why we do not want to feel or experience it is, to some degree, irrelevant - a boundary is a boundary & should be respected as such.
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SO, WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?!
Boundaries are relevant in all aspects of our lives from our personal relationships to our work lives. Boundaries look & are different, and should be different, in different parts of our lives. The boundaries we have with friends are different to the ones we have with lovers and, equally, different to the ones we have with strangers or maybe the people we work with.
A boundary is, very simply, an imaginary line where on our side of the line things such as our own or the behaviour of others are acceptable, if also perhaps difficult & challenging, & what is on the other side of the line, perhaps something we might experience, feel or do is unacceptable to us, & that may be for a huge variety of reasons.
Some types of boundaries are:
PHYSICAL
We are all comfortable with different types of physical contact & physical closeness with different people. It's not my job to tell you what to be comfortable with but I do encourage people to consider & question what's comfortable for themselves as well as how to communicate that to other people, regardless of what others want from or with you - in other words, what are your boundaries in relation to physical contact with different people regardless of what they want with or from you? What feels comfortable for you? Where is your ''yes'' & where is your ''no''? What do you want & not want? What's acceptable & unacceptable? None are 'right' & none are 'wrong', it's simply a question of what's right for you while also bearing in mind that might be different for the other person, their boundaries may be different to yours, and that's where consent & good communication comes in.
Deciding what our own boundaries are, deciding what we're comfortable with & having the ability to communicate that to others is essential for us to feel not only comfortable but also safe in the relationship with that person. This is especially true for anyone who's had their physical boundaries breached, & the bigger that boundary breach the greater the person's need for boundaries will be during the course of their healing & recovery, perhaps even for the rest of their life, this is true of many people, especially those who've experienced any kind of childhood trauma or sexual assault at any age.
EMOTIONAL
Emotional boundaries will vary between people, often due to personality, culture & personal experience. Some people are considered to be very 'private' people, they don't share personal information with many people - this is a type of boundary, whether it's an articulated one or not.
Most of our boundaries are unarticulated because we, for the most part, don't have explicit conversations about how we relate to each other, what we need & can give to those relationships, however, the research data are clear, when we do have explicit conversations that usually results in more satisfying relationships because everyone then knows what is expected of them, what they can expect of others, what is OK & what's not OK & we can relax more comfortably into the relationship space from there.
We all have emotional limits - a limit is simply another word for boundary - limits beyond which we know are not helpful or supportive to our mental health & wellbeing. These limits can be what we ourselves do not want to feel or experience, equally they can be what we don't want to experience with others.
An example might be one where a friend is in need of emotional support, they reach out saying something like ''I'm having a really hard day, I really need to talk to you''.
We all have emotional limits - a limit is simply another word for boundary - limits beyond which we know are not helpful or supportive to our mental health & wellbeing. These limits can be what we ourselves do not want to feel or experience, equally they can be what we don't want to experience with others.
An example might be one where a friend is in need of emotional support, they reach out saying something like ''I'm having a really hard day, I really need to talk to you''.
It's far better, if we know we do not have the emotional capacity at that time, to say to our friend, something like, ''I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time, I'm not available right now, but I am available tomorrow evening, can we talk then?''.
The second person here is clearly communicating that, right now, they are not in the best possible place to support their friend, perhaps they feel they would do their friend a disservice if they tried to support them when their own emotional 'cup' is not full, this is caring for their friend as well as themselves. They are, as well, clearly communicating ''I'm not available right now but I'm not abandoning you when you say you need me, I can be there for you tomorrow.''
If we cannot say ''yes'' to someone's request without transgressing our own boundaries, can we offer an alternative instead? Maybe we can, maybe not! This will hopefully aid communication & intimacy in the relationship, as well as maintaining the connection, rather than shutting it down.
Ultimately, we all have emotional limits, we know ourselves better than anyone else knows us, hopefully we know what we are capable of & what we are not capable of, ideally we know what we want & what we do not want as well as what will be harmful or helpful to us. We know what we are emotionally capable of withstanding & to say ''no'' to an experience, relationship or kind of relationship can simply be an acknowledgement of those limits. We know the limits of our own hearts & minds, to transgress those limits to to breach our own boundaries, to abdicate responsibility for ourselves as adults, it is to abandon ourselves. It is also to do a disservice to the relationship we're in as well as the person we're in that relationship with.
SEXUAL
This is perhaps one of the easiest places to identify boundaries for most people - for example, we know which sex or sexes we're attracted to & which we're not, we know what we are curious about exploring & what is a turn off. Of course, knowing what we really, truly & deeply want is different to being able to express that desire or assert a boundary if someone begins to do something that we do not want. There is often a gap between the knowledge we might have & the capacity to act on that knowledge - this can often be related to trauma.
In my work over the last 35 years I have met & spoken with 1000s of people who don't actually know what they want sexually. Often they think they know what they want until they realise they're following a sexual script written for them by their culture, religion, popular culture, pornography, family etc, it's not a true reflection of their deep & authentic self. We are, unfortunately, not taught how to genuinely & authentically explore this side of ourselves or to have the language necessary to talk openly & freely about it with others, including lovers, sometimes especially lovers!
As an example, I hear about a lot of people thinking that just because they see something in pornography that it means they should enjoy it, that it's expected of them or that they should do it because lots of people are doing it - choking is a good example here.
This is perhaps one of the easiest places to identify boundaries for most people - for example, we know which sex or sexes we're attracted to & which we're not, we know what we are curious about exploring & what is a turn off. Of course, knowing what we really, truly & deeply want is different to being able to express that desire or assert a boundary if someone begins to do something that we do not want. There is often a gap between the knowledge we might have & the capacity to act on that knowledge - this can often be related to trauma.
In my work over the last 35 years I have met & spoken with 1000s of people who don't actually know what they want sexually. Often they think they know what they want until they realise they're following a sexual script written for them by their culture, religion, popular culture, pornography, family etc, it's not a true reflection of their deep & authentic self. We are, unfortunately, not taught how to genuinely & authentically explore this side of ourselves or to have the language necessary to talk openly & freely about it with others, including lovers, sometimes especially lovers!
As an example, I hear about a lot of people thinking that just because they see something in pornography that it means they should enjoy it, that it's expected of them or that they should do it because lots of people are doing it - choking is a good example here.
Choking is NOT something that the vast majority of people enjoy. Without express & explicit consent choking is a violent, & in some countries criminal, act & should not form part of the majority of people's sexual repertoire, certainly not without express & explicit conversation & consent first. It is something that a very small number of people interested in BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism/submission & Masochism) might enjoy only after express & explicit conversation, consent & the agreement of limits & a safe word.
However, I do appreciate that for the majority of people pornography is a source of 'sex education' - this is, categorically, not what pornography is nor should it be seen as such. Mainstream pornography is 'entertainment' & very frequently abusive, coercive & exploitative including the uploading of the rapes of underage girls & the exploitation of migrants. Click here to check out the Suggested Reading Lists page on my website if you're looking for real adult sex education!
WORK BOUNDARIES
Of course, it depends on your field of work as to what your own boundaries might be, for some it might be as simple as leaving from & arriving to work on time while doing what one is supposed to do in between those times - that's the boundary within which you are willing to work & not outside that.
For someone like me, I have some very strict professional boundaries that I cannot ethically break - sexual relationships with ex or current clients, for example. What boundaries do you have that are unique to you in your work? Are you comfortable with them as they are or do they need some reflection & change?
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WHY ARE RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES ''COURAGEOUS SELF LOVE''?
To put it in the simplest of ways;
1) our boundaries represent our values as well as what we believe is acceptable & unacceptable for us, this includes how others treat us & how we treat ourselves, what we put ourselves through, what we expect of ourselves in terms of how they behave towards us, how we respect, honour & love ourselves as well as how we respect, honour & love others. Our boundaries are often manifestations of our beliefs & values.
Healthy boundaries are not only about us, they are also about the quality of the relationships we have & desire to have with others. A relationship where we are extending beyond our own boundaries is not a healthy one for anyone. A relationship where someone else wants us to extend ourselves beyond our own boundaries is not a healthy one. Healthy boundaries are not about hurting or rejecting others they are about keeping ourselves safe within the limits of our own wellbeing for our own & the wellbeing of others.
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In many cultures this level of self care & self love on the part of women, a self love that usually also leads us to be better able to love others is viewed as ''selfish'', however, there's a reason flight attendants instruct people to attend to their own oxygen masks first, right? Right. And so in cultures where women in particular are criticised for putting their own needs first doing exactly that is an act of courageous self love, it is a declaration of ''I matter to myself regardless of how much I matter to you.''
2) when we set boundaries with others we risk the other person or people being unhappy about it, maybe they feel our boundary is a rejection, maybe they become angry because they're not getting what they want, maybe our boundary causes the other person to take offence in some way.
Ultimately, we take risks setting boundaries, we risk losing relationships with people we might care deeply about including family, friends & people we work with. It can be very illuminating to observe how others respond to our boundaries - do they become angry or defensive?, for example, or do they accept our boundary, while also maybe feeling disappointed, which is totally acceptable! - this is a clear message about how much we are or are not respected & valued.
I don't know about you, but for me it's courageous to live outside the social & cultural norms in order to be in integrity with oneself. It is courageous to assert one's own needs, to not expect others to meet them but to take responsibility for that oneself, & to follow that trail for a life lived in pursuit of truth, integrity &, ultimately, greater love.
I don't know about you, but for me it's courageous to live outside the social & cultural norms in order to be in integrity with oneself. It is courageous to assert one's own needs, to not expect others to meet them but to take responsibility for that oneself, & to follow that trail for a life lived in pursuit of truth, integrity &, ultimately, greater love.
TOP TIPS FOR CREATING, SETTING & MAINTAINING BOUNDARIES
Above all else, be honest with yourself about what you really want & have capacity for, knowing that this may mean other people may not be happy about that.
Be clear & be specific with yourself & others.
Do not apologise for your boundaries, you have decided on them for good reasons even if that reason is fear.
Be kind & compassionate towards yourself & others.
Remember that a ''no'' to someone else is a ''yes'' to yourself.
Notice how others respond when you set boundaries with them, are your needs respected, valued & honoured?
Remember that ''No.'' is a complete sentence, it requires no further explanation unless you want to give it. Equally, the same is true of ''Yes''.
SOME PHRASES THAT MAY BE USEFUL
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''I have an hour to spend here, then I need to leave.''
''I'm not comfortable with that, please don't do that again. If you do it again I will need to leave.''
''I respect your opinion and I don't share it.''
''Shouting at me is unacceptable, if it continues I will end the phone call.''
''Thank you for the offer, I'm not available for that.''
''I received your message, thank you. I don't check work related messages at the weekends so I'm getting back to you now on Monday.''
''I'm not available at that time, I have some self care scheduled.''
''I'm not comfortable with that, please don't do that again. If you do it again I will need to leave.''
''I respect your opinion and I don't share it.''
''Shouting at me is unacceptable, if it continues I will end the phone call.''
''Thank you for the offer, I'm not available for that.''
''I received your message, thank you. I don't check work related messages at the weekends so I'm getting back to you now on Monday.''
''I'm not available at that time, I have some self care scheduled.''
''I can hear that you really need some help with that, unfortunately, I'm unable to help at this time.''
''Thank you for telling me what you need, it's different to what I need and so I want to take some time to think about what I want or need next.''
A FINAL NOTE
Boundaries can, of course, be used in unhealthy ways, usually as an unconscious mechanism to avoid intimacy & emotional closeness, for example, or a way to avoid asking others for help & therefore showing vulnerability.
Unhealthy boundaries can create distance instead of intimacy in relationship, they can hide who we are as opposed to revealing who we are. Balanced & healthy boundaries are for the conscious benefit of the person setting them, they are also essential for good self esteem as well as healthy relationships with others, they're worth consideration & reflection in that light.
Written 03/10/23/23
Written 03/10/23/23
